TIGblogs - Eliza

so i keep wondering whether i've changed, or whether it's living with others all the time that means they seem to see through me as easily as glass. i do not mean for them to, more than i ever have, but it seems that suddenly i am surrounded by others who are perceptive, who notice the smallest and worst things about me; things that i do not wish anyone - not even myself - to notice.

i am being confronted with all the worst things about myself, things i cannot avoid or silence my mind about. i am being confronted by my need to change, to grow in the truest sense - and also, despite my championing of it - my inevitable fear of change.

i do not wish to change. i do not wish to need to change. i wish for everyone else to change their view, and for mine to stay the same - to be, like my father, never wrong. not to have to admit my own faults, my own clumsy inadequacies and guilt, my self-centeredness, my pride and arrogance, my desire to tell stories and be listened to. my need, fundamental crushing desire, to be liked.

i am also realising that the smokescreens of my previous life do not work here. i cannot perform 24 hours a day for months on end; it is not practical, it will not be believed. i must be quiet, i must be still. i must learn to think before i speak not only of how it will be received, of what they will want to hear, or of what i want to say, but both at once. i must learn yet again another way to act, another way to be.

this time, it needs to be for keeps.

i want to learn to be liked.